The nice blog

If strong is the new sexy, then nice is the new cool. If you are ever lucky enough to hear, “That was so nice of you!” you are winning at life.
 
Seriously, y’all. Mean people truly suck, and ain’t nobody got time for that. In a world where it seems like everyone is openly angry and hateful to each other, we need nice now more than ever.
 
To me, simply being kind to your fellow humans is more valuable than money, looks or power. While I admit to being easily sidetracked by all things shiny, wild and pretty when I was younger, now that I am in my 40s, the willingness or capacity to be nice is the single most essential quality I look for in a person — whether they are a client, service provider, friend or lover. Entitled assholes need not apply.

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It’s really not that difficult.
 
Nice is returning your grocery cart. Nice is replying to an email even when the answer is no, so the other person isn’t left to wonder what they did wrong. Nice is staggering your stance at the gym so the person next to you has enough room to extend their arms on a chest fly.
 
Nice is smiling and making eye contact when you take a customer’s money — or when you’re the customer accepting your change. Nice is nodding a greeting to the dog owner walking their pooch on the other side of the street. Nice is picking up the phone to actually call a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Nice is texting to let someone know you’ll be late for coffee.
 
While they all might sound tiny and trivial, any one of those acts of kindness can make a huge difference.
 
I know all this, and yet …
 
While I am attracted to the nice in others, it is not my own personal default setting. Nope, I am not inherently nice. In fact, I am a major cynic. My first reaction is almost always a version of “What do you want?” or “Please go away.”
 
I never say those words out loud (OK, almost never), but my insides seize up and I mentally make myself as small as possible whenever I feel like someone is invading my space, physically or mentally.  
 
I am not by any means a horrible shitbird. Just like everyone else, I have my moments of true assholetry, but I am not an insensitive clod. I am pleasant, nice and considerate WAY more often than I’m not.
 
The thing is, it just doesn’t come naturally.

It’s probably more accurate to say that I don’t have a particularly welcoming demeanor. My body language is set on, “keep your distance,” and my synapses are more likely to fire up a glower than a smile, if left to their own devices.
 
I have to consciously work at being warm and cuddly. Well, warmer and cuddlier. Admittedly, it is much easier to be nice to people I care about, but even then, I have to pay attention to how I speak and act. I’ve been told I can exude a harsh vibe even when I’m in the best mood. Plus, my face does things I can’t control that mistakenly lead people around me think I am pissed off, when in fact, I am perfectly blissful or at the very least, neutral.
 
I don’t know precisely why I’m this way, though I’m sure a psychoanalyst would have a field day dissecting my twisted little brain.
 
I’ve definitely suffered fools and bad relationships over the past 20 years that contributed to my cynicism. I also spent a lot of energy attending to others’ needs while completely obliterating my own. Plus, I am an introvert (more on that here) who abhors idle small talk and is easily exhausted by too much peopling. All of these are likely factors as to why I tend to retreat instead of reach out.
 
In the past couple of years, I’ve begun to notice the stark contrast between how I navigate interpersonal communication and how other, intuitively nice people do. 
 
I’ve recently gotten to know a couple of women who radiate love. It emanates from them with every word and deed.  Both of these women are so … well … sweet. There is no other word for it. Their smiles wrap you up in a warm blanket of inclusion. You believe with all your heart that every word you say matters to them. They are surrounded by an aura of compassion and benevolence. A puffy little cloud of healing energy seems to follow them wherever they go.

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But they will be the first to admit that life is not perfect, and neither are they. Shit happens to them, just like the rest of it. The difference is their attitude about it — it does not affect how they treat other people. I cannot always say the same.
 
After feeling the effects myself and observing how others respond to these amazing women, I realized something pretty huge for an old cynic — I want to be like them when I grow up. I want to instinctively offer a warm smile instead of a cool stare. I want people who spend time with me to feel like they matter. I really, really want NICE to be my default.
 
You know the saying, “If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.” I believe, and have seen in my own life, that anyone can change for the better. It all starts with willingness to do something different.
 
So that’s where I am. First, I am observing and emulating my new friends in how they treat people, because I have also been shown time and again that if you act "as if” long enough, a new action will become a habit.
 
I am also focused on learning all I can in the practice of Tibetan Buddhism.
 
Whoa, where did that come from, right?

That’s actually not new. I started studying meditation back in October because of some anxiety and unrest I had been experiencing related to early menopause. (I won’t torture you will the details today). It has softened not only my anxiety, but my overall approach to life. It has opened a door that I didn’t realize was locked up tight.
 
I recently decided to commit myself to not only meditation, but the practice of Buddhism itself. I took the Bodhisattva Vow, which is a formal, public commitment to Buddhist studies. I’m reading all I can, learning meditation techniques, rituals and prayers, and seeking out mentors.
 
At first, I was just hoping to get a glimpse of that proverbial inner peace (for real, tho), but now I can see another benefit. It offers a path to actually becoming a better, nicer person. Buddhist practice is largely built upon cultivating compassion and lovingkindness, so, you know, DUH.
 
Anyhoo. From what I have learned so far, Buddhism is a hybrid of religion and philosophy. There is no “God,” and you can practice its tenets in conjunction with other faith traditions. So you could be a Christian AND a Buddhist, if you wanted to. For me, Buddhism offers practical tools for living.
 
My point to all this is, I am not a warm and fuzzy person like my new girlfriends, but I’d like to be. If I am totally honest, though, my pursuit of nice is not entirely altruistic. Angry and cynical just does not feel good anymore. I can already tell that practicing kindness in all my interactions is thawing out my cold, cynic's heart.
 
I’m learning that the key to making nice my factory setting is to actively think of others (Buddhist speak: be mindful) in everything I do, and stop being so damn self-absorbed.
 
I’m also learning that nice does not equal weak. Being nice to your neighbor does not make you a doormat. In fact, the nicest people I know are also the strongest.
 
As with most anything worth doing, it’s simple, but not easy. So please be patient with me if you see me out, and I offer you a crooked smile or go in for awkward hug.
 
Nice does not come naturally to me, but someday, it just might.

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