You are what you attract

I saw an article over the weekend that really spoke to me. In fact, the title could have been, “Amy’s Road Map to a Fulfilling Future.”

It wasn’t though. It was called, “6 Traits People with Attractive Energy Possess.”

It basically said that you are what you attract, and I have found that to be true over my 43 years on this Earth. For the first 35 or so, my energy brought in more than a few people who were not good for me. So for my second act, I’ll be damned if I am going to waste time any more time on toxic relationships.

I try to embody the six things listed in the article every day, but like most things in my life, they are a work in progress. When I was younger, I possessed none of these traits. It is only in middle age that I am able to see their value and aspire to them.

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I thought I would take a moment to share a little bit about how I interpret each one, and what I am doing to incorporate them into my life.

People with attractive energy…

… have integrity and respect themselves
I believe that integrity is the cornerstone of my personal and professional reputation. I try very hard to always do what I say I am going to do. I don’t make promises if I know from the jump that can’t keep them.

I am dependable and responsible almost to a fault. I get a lot of repeat business because clients know they can count on me to git ’er dun. And if I can’t do something for you, I don’t blow you off. I thank you and refer you to someone who can.

I return calls and emails, which apparently makes me a rare breed these days. (Don’t get me started.)

And here’s a biggie: I don’t blame other people for my mistakes; I own them and do my best to make them right.  

Respecting myself is another story. I don’t always treat myself as well as I treat others. I’m a million times better about that than I was in my 20s, but I still am my worst critic, and I often have to be reminded to practice self-care.

I have, however, weeded out all the poisonous people in my life. I have established solid boundaries on what behavior I will (and will not) accept from family, friends and clients. If something doesn’t feel right, I follow my instincts and run the other way. Oh, and “no” is a complete sentence.

… happily let others have their moment in the sun
Comparison is most definitely the thief of joy. And holding onto a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. (Not sure where these adages originated, but I love them.)

Here is what I know today: Someone else’s success or happiness does not diminish my own. Because of this, I am able to enthusiastically congratulate and celebrate my friends and colleagues on their accomplishments and major life events.

But it’s a hell of a lot easier to cheer for others when things in my life are kicking ass. When they’re in the shitter, I find it much harder to be gracious. I think that’s human nature, but it’s not fair to project my failings (or feelings about my failings) onto other people. So I try hard not to.

I force myself to smile and clap even if I don’t mean it at that moment. I figure that once I get over the initial stab of selfishness, I will mean it eventually, so why withhold the love now?  

I have always battled jealousy, the root of which comes from some twisted, innate belief that I am not enough. I wrote about that here.

But here’s the thing — I have learned that I am exactly where I need to be, at whatever moment in time I'm existing. The grass may look greener somewhere else, but I’ve learned that everyone has their own weeds. As long as I am tending to my own lawn, I can be happy for you when yours thrives.

… are humble
Humility is not the same as humiliation, but it took me a long time to learn that. Humility simply means that I am no better than or less than anyone else — not the drug addict or homeless person, not the celebrity or CEO — I am simply “one of many.”

I always think of a pendulum. If I am hovering quietly in the middle, I am practicing humility. But if I am swinging in one direction or the other, I need to check myself. Ego is my enemy.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I swing so far in one direction that I damn near touch the sky. I get all judge-y and self-righteous, or I berate myself way too harshly for stupid mistakes. Fortunately, I recognize the extremes today and right myself pretty quickly.

… are unapologetic about who they are
I've got this one pretty well covered. I am a middle-aged woman with four tattoos and a nose ring, all but one obtained in the past three years. Because fuck it, that’s why. I spent way too many years worrying about what others think of me. I’m done with that noise. D.O.N.E.

Working for myself as a freelance writer and media consultant has brought with it many freedoms, not the least of which is choosing who I work with. If you are so offended by my body art (or anything else about me) that you don’t want me on your team, I don’t want to work with you anyway. Times have changed, thank God, so most people don’t assume I’m a loser because I have ink of my arm. The ones that do? Bubye.

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Speaking of my body, I’ve had to accept it for what it is, which is 40-something and starting to fall apart.

Just kidding, sort of. I do have wrinkles, cellulite and many pairs of readers. Short of surgery (which I don’t want and can’t afford), I have made peace with the fact that I'm stuck with myself.

I don’t have the bikini body of a 20-year-old, but I wear one at the pool anyway. If you don’t like it, I’m not sorry.

I drive an old clunker of a car because I’m paying down debt and don’t want a new monthly payment right now. Want to flip me off when my window won’t roll down in the parking garage? Kiss my ass and wait.

I’m not shy about pursuing my dreams and encouraging others to do the same. At age 40, I finally figured out who I am and what I want, so I left the corporate world to go get it.

I have enough life experience to recognize my opinion has value and readily share it — the whole truth and nothing but the truth — when asked.

I am an unapologetic introvert and crazy dog lady. I do what makes me happy not because I think I should, but because I CAN.

… are not afraid to be imperfect
When I found out through 12-step recovery work that perfection does not exist, it was the single biggest relief of my life. I’m not perfect and neither are you? Woo-hoo!

Today, I strive for progress — to always do better and be better than the day before. Most days, I succeed.

Today, I am able to laugh at myself and admit when I’m wrong. There was a time not too long ago when I couldn’t do either.

Instead of feeling inadequate because I don’t know everything, I’m empowered. There is always more to learn, which is what makes life interesting.

I have found that I even when I fail and royally fuck up, I succeed because I learn something and grow as a human.

… are open and honest with their true thoughts and feelings
Speaking up without fearing what others will think is a lesson I didn’t learn until … OK, I’m still learning. But I care a hell of a lot less than I did even five years ago.

You may not like me, and that’s OK. Believe it or not, I don’t have to take that personally. If the Internet and social media have taught me anything, it’s that no matter what I say or do (or how I say it or do it), someone, somewhere will find a way to get pissed off about it. All I can do is speak my truth confidently and kindly, and damn the torpedoes.

On that note, I always try to say what I mean without saying it mean, which is not as easy as it sounds. I know that my first reaction is usually the wrong one. When I sit on it for a minute, any negative thoughts swirling around in my brain dissipate, and I can be nice to you — all the while, standing my ground.

To sum up, if I want to reap good karma and positive energy from the universe, I know I have to put it out in the world.

Actively working on each of these six qualities seems like a pretty good start. Wouldn’t you agree?

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